new start?

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

Sometimes life gets so complicated that you need to stop what you are doing for a period of time, even if that means puking your guts out all day.

After spending the last few days wallowing in all my recent bad luck and delving deeper into a nihilistic, Camu, Sarte breakdown of my existence and it’s absurdity, apparently my body decided I needed to really take some time to think.  I left work early, was violently ill for a few hours and then proceeded to bake in the sun for another few hours. While baking, I replayed the last few days in my head. I was pretty angry about a lot things, (floods, money, work, family etc etc). Mainly angry with myself and my lack of ability to change it. There is an overwhelming desire to just accept things for the way they are but also part of me that wants to fight it because, well, I have free will, right?

I’m not sure when I became angry and withdrawn but I have nonetheless. Today, I tried to work through all my confusion (I think the sun was getting to me) or at least some of it. I’ve forgotten who I am, who I am really.  I lost myself somewhere or I have been repressing ‘me’. Who am I you might ask me, well who the hell knows. I can’t define myself. It’s impossible, it’s a major source to all my problems. I feel lately I have been put into positions or roles that I have to play the part of. I naturally seem to struggle against these things. I like having these things part of me but not defining me. I’m tired of pretending. As I once heard Alan Watts once say in a Youtube video, “we are pretending with tremendous skill and deception,” and I should maybe take advantage of the free will option.

But free will is a funny thing. My husband once told me he thought of me being similar to Hunter S. Thompson, keeping a briefcase of drugs in my trunk and owning a collection of firearms, I laughed of course and said I’m not that much like Hunter, to which he replied, “But you could be” – A free will believer’s explanation for everything I’ve noticed. But when thinking of free will in this example it doesn’t make sense to me. Did H.S.T do all these things because of ‘free will’ or was it just because he just ‘was’.  Free will gives the illusion of choice. I do not think we have free will to decide for ourselves our fate, we don’t have any choices. I feel free will is simply how to choose to take it all in.  We don’t choose what life brings us we choose how we take it. Similar to ordering coffee.


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